The King, The Mice, and the Cheese & The US Gun Laws
I thought it would be funny to do a satire of the children’s book The King, The Mice, and the Cheese written by Nancy & Eric Gurney. It’s a rather famous kids book in which a king that loves cheese attempts to get rid of mice who are eating his beloved cheese. After consulting his “wise men” he introduces cats, but then the cats become a problem, so he gets dogs to get rid of the cats, and so on, until he comes full circle and brings in mice to scare the elephants. In the end he learns to live with the mice by coming to a mutual agreement.
My inspiration was the recent school shooting in the US involving 27 people including 20 children by the gunman Adam Lanza. What followed was the country deep in introspection about current gun-laws. The Obama administration soon afterwards spoke about tougher gun laws being the consequence of this tragedy. A week later the National Rifle Association (NRA) who until then kept quiet as a mouse, spoke up by giving, what in my opinion is a dumbest solution to the problem that attempts to treat the symptoms not the disease itself, they proposed to have an armed guard at every school to protect the children. The fact that the other recent shootings occurred in a cinema and a political rally somehow is forgotten, or that the Columbine school shooting did have a guard is overlooked.
Regardless, I thought the NRA’s usual argument that by arming more people everyone becomes safer should be lampooned. The book The King, The Mice, and the Cheese appeared perfect for this.
So enjoy the satire:
Once upon a time in a faraway country there lived the people of the alternative reality, gun-free United States of America. They lived in a free and safe place. They had nearly all the freedom in the world. With that love of freedom they decided having guns is the best freedom of all. The US National Rifle Association (NRA) loved their freedom the most and acquired the most guns in all the land.
That inspired others, just as dangerous people to do the same. Soon every man, woman, and crazy wacko in the land was running around with handguns. The mentally unstable man thought it was fun to go on a rampage and massacre some people. But the people of the US did not like this. The NRA brought its wise men together. “How can we get rid of these handgun massacres?” they asked?
The wise men from the NRA thought of a wonderful idea. The NRA wise men brought in assault rifles … big assault rifles, little assault rifles, semi-automatic assault rifles and automatic assault rifles. The assault rifle armed vigilantes did a very good job. Soon all of the handgun wielding criminals were gone from the country.
Now the assault-rifle-packing-NRA-crowds were very happy. They liked feeling safe & free again and have their weapons. But the victims’ families in the US were not happy. They did not like living with the mentally deranged people who committed more gruesome massacres with assault rifles. They called back the NRA wise men. “How can I get rid of these assault-rifle massacres?” they asked them.
“That’s easy,” said the NRA wise men. “We know just how to get rid of them.” The wise men from the NRA brought in machine guns … big machine guns, little machine guns, four-barrel machine guns and three-thousand rounds-per-minute machine guns. The machine-gun-on-pick-up-truck-armed-vigilantes did a very good job. Soon all of the assault rifle bad guys were gone from the country.
Now the machine-gun-brandishing-NRA-crowds were very happy. They liked feeling safe & free again and have their weapons. But the victims’ families in the US were not happy. they did not like living with the mentally deranged people who committed more horrendous massacres with their machine guns. Once again the citizens of the US called in their NRA wise men. “Can you get rid of these machine-gun massacres?” they asked them.
“We surely can,” the NRA wise men said. The wise men of the NRA brought in grenade launchers… big destructive grenade launchers. The smoking-crater-forming-vigilantes did a very good job. They pulverised those machine-gun criminals, every last one of them gone from the country.
Now the grenade-launcher-operating-NRA-crowds were very happy. They liked feeling safe & free again and have their weapons. But the victims’ families in the US were not happy. They did not like living with the mentally deranged people who levelled building & committed massacres with their grenade launchers. For the fourth time the US citizens called in their NRA wise men. “Again you must help us,” begged the US citizens.
Once again the NRA wise men said it would be easy. Nuclear missile launchers! The wise men brought in Nuclear Missile Launchers to assist with the armed grenade launcher psychopaths. The Nuclear-warhead-delivery-launcher carrying vigilantes did a wonderful job. Soon every trace of a grenade launcher carrying criminals was gone.
The nuclear-weapon warmongers were very very happy with the freedom to live in the radioactive desert that followed. But the few survivors in the US were most unhappy living in a crater filled, nuclear-winter wasteland. “How do you get rid of these nuclear armed marauders?” yelled the remaining US citizens. “We can do it,” said the concerned NRA wise men. “We will do it right away.”
They brought all the original laws. The bureaucrats went right to work. The government bureaucrats removed all the remaining weapons from the hands of the roaming crowds. But now the poor NRA freedom lovers were right back where they started! No-Guns! No-Guns! They were nowhere! No-Guns! No-Guns! Restrictions of our freedoms!
What is the US going to do?” For three long days the citizens sat and asked themselves that question. After three days of thinking they thought of the only answer. The bureaucrats called all the NRA gun-lovers together. “Listen boys, lets make a deal,” said the king. “I’ll learn to get along with you. You’ll learn how to get along with me.
From then on the US citizens enacted tough guns laws for ordinary citizens, restricting use to only genuine non-self-defence reasons and the NRA gun lovers learned to put safety before self-interests.
From then on the government shared some freedoms with the gun enthusiasts… and the NRA learnt to appreciate the safety of the people.